Floating Behind My Eyes

Note: The picture is of the Quaker meeting house in San Antonio. I’ve found myself drawn to Quaker meetings lately. Probably because I enjoy the silence. Or at least I think I should enjoy it. Fresh off of 20 years of professional ministry and preaching every week, I’m interested in listening. And no one listens better than the Religious Society of Friends. Classic Quaker worship is an hour of silence. The faithful gather and sit in the meeting room. No one says anything. The Friends come neither thinking they will speak or thinking they will not speak. If Spirit moves, they rise and speak. If Spirit does not move, there is one hour of silence. In theory I like this. But Baptists are not known for being a silent people, so I’m still learning.

Sunday I visited the beautiful meeting house of the San Antonio Quakers. I sat in silence, but the following dialogue was playing out in my head: Oh great. I’m at a Quaker meeting without a watch. How am I going to keep up with the time? Now isn’t watching the clock exactly the kind of thing you’re trying to get away from? Just sit quietly. Not knowing how much longer there is in the service is part of the Quaker experience. Relax. Go with it. Right. Yeah, I knew that. I’m not going to worry about the time at all. I’m going to sit here and meditate on God so that….Hey, there’s squirrel outside the window. Look at him run along that branch. Do you think the Quakers feed the squirrels so they’ll have something to watch while they’re sitting here so quietly? Just sit still please. Try to think about God.

<Five minutes passes> Um, what are you doing? Counting the boards in the wall. There’s 178 boards on the lower part of the wall. I haven’t counted the ceiling boards yet. One, two, three… Must you? Is it too much to ask that you just sit quietly for a few minutes and think about life and God and, you know, spiritual stuff? I’m trying, but that baby is making noise. Do the Quakers allow babies in their…silent meetings or whatever they call these things? Because that baby’s not being very quiet. Well obviously they do allow babies, because that baby is here. They could be visitors. The point is, 15 minutes have gone by, and you haven’t settled down yet. Baby noises are natural, okay? Like birds singing. Just relax and let the baby be part of the world in which you live. That old guy over there with the beard and Birkenstocks looks like he’s pretty good at this. He’s been sitting just like that the whole time. Hasn’t even shifted his weight. <Sigh> Okay, let the old man be. Just be quiet and try to focus. Listen, Gordon. LISTEN. Sorry. I’m listening now. Seriously.

<Five minutes passes> You know, with all that I’m learning about listening, I could probably do a kind of Quaker listening exercise at our next small group meeting, you know? I could talk to them about listening and how prayer ought to be understood as listening as much as talking. That would be cool. Yeah, but you haven’t actually listened, have you? That is so you, to be planning how you’re going to preach or talk or write about something, but you HAVEN’T EVEN DONE IT YET. Right. Sorry. I’m shutting up now.

Finally, after about 25 minutes, I managed to settled into the silence. I closed my eyes and listened. I quit trying to find a comfortable position and just committed myself to the position I was in until I became comfortable. After that I floated in the soft, gray colors behind my eyes. I relaxed like I haven’t relaxed in a long time. Luxurious peace. After a few moments I got the most wonderful sense that everything is going to be okay. My life is a little uncertain these days. I didn't hear a voice speaking to me, but I most definitely felt my soul relax. And I knew inside that everything is going to be okay. By the time the Quakers broke up the meeting, I didn’t want to move. I pulled my eyes open and rolled my neck around, trying to re-enter the world. I opened my notebook and wrote the first thing that came to mind. While I wrote, tears came into my eyes. I wrote this: "Someday I might look back on this morning and realize that this was the day I became a Quaker."

Gordon Atkinson