Forgiveness, Just the Same
Blog / Produced by The High Calling
“Never let me see you in this house again!”
The words rang out through the screen door as Ellen walked away from her childhood home and the aging father who had sexually abused her in her teens. Now a confident 34-year-old, Ellen was married with one child; and she had just done something she once believed impossible: she had forgiven her father.
Christians read verses like Colossians 3:13 and believe rightly that as followers of Christ we must forgive: bearing with one another and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Too often, however, we interpret forgiveness only as letting go: letting go of anger, bitterness, and the perpetrator’s transgression. While forgiveness is a letting go, it is much more a putting back: putting back into the relationship as much love and trust as possible. Jesus was all about forgiveness when he looked at the Pharisees and said, “An evil and adulterous generation seeks after a sign; and a sign will not be given it, except the sign of Jonah.” And He left them and went away (Matt. 16:4). Jesus knew he could not trust the Pharisees with a sign, answers, or even forgiveness. They clung craftily to the status quo. He therefore set them a hard boundary with no signs or engagement on their turf. He said, in short: until you can be trusted to do business with me, I will not pretend everything is okay.
When a person emotionally injures me, I carry not only the hurt I feel but that person’s unfair and irresponsible act. If perpetrators refuse responsibility, the victims must assign it nonetheless. This was the burden Ellen longed to unload.
“He has never acknowledged that he did anything wrong. It was as if he believed it was my job to let him do whatever. I’ve known what he did was wrong, but I’ve been fearful that he would attack me all over again. I’ve been afraid to forgive him because I thought it meant that I had to accept his actions and let him off the hook,” Ellen said.
Through counseling and careful study of the character of Jesus’ forgiving, Ellen learned that to forgive does not mean necessarily to reconcile and reengage the perpetrator in relationship. Often that person is still irresponsible and unrepentant. In those cases, Jesus leads us by example to set boundaries and inform that person what would be necessary to reconcile. Forgiveness is wonderful when two broken people reunite in mutual love and trust; but it equally calls us to unload the burden of the injustice by learning to protect ourselves from future harm.
To protect herself from her father’s potential irresponsibility, Ellen said, “Dad, you and I both know that you used me inappropriately when I was a girl. I know how to protect myself now, and I will never again keep your secret. I forgive you for the past, but I will not allow you to act as if it never happened.” Her father spewed denial and bitterness; but Ellen forgave him, following the command, If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men (Rom. 12:18).
For Ellen, now, something was changed. She had unloaded her responsibility for her father’s irresponsibility. This was not forgiveness in reconciliation, but forgiveness just the same. “I always knew that his abuse dominated my life, but putting the issue back with my father allowed me to move on. My family and my life are redeemed because I no longer lug his burden like a sack of potatoes.”
The words rang out through the screen door as Ellen walked away from her childhood home and the aging father who had sexually abused her in her teens. Now a confident 34-year-old, Ellen was married with one child; and she had just done something she once believed impossible: she had forgiven her father.
Christians read verses like Colossians 3:13 and believe rightly that as followers of Christ we must forgive: bearing with one another and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Too often, however, we interpret forgiveness only as letting go: letting go of anger, bitterness, and the perpetrator’s transgression. While forgiveness is a letting go, it is much more a putting back: putting back into the relationship as much love and trust as possible. Jesus was all about forgiveness when he looked at the Pharisees and said, “An evil and adulterous generation seeks after a sign; and a sign will not be given it, except the sign of Jonah.” And He left them and went away (Matt. 16:4). Jesus knew he could not trust the Pharisees with a sign, answers, or even forgiveness. They clung craftily to the status quo. He therefore set them a hard boundary with no signs or engagement on their turf. He said, in short: until you can be trusted to do business with me, I will not pretend everything is okay.
When a person emotionally injures me, I carry not only the hurt I feel but that person’s unfair and irresponsible act. If perpetrators refuse responsibility, the victims must assign it nonetheless. This was the burden Ellen longed to unload.
“He has never acknowledged that he did anything wrong. It was as if he believed it was my job to let him do whatever. I’ve known what he did was wrong, but I’ve been fearful that he would attack me all over again. I’ve been afraid to forgive him because I thought it meant that I had to accept his actions and let him off the hook,” Ellen said.
Through counseling and careful study of the character of Jesus’ forgiving, Ellen learned that to forgive does not mean necessarily to reconcile and reengage the perpetrator in relationship. Often that person is still irresponsible and unrepentant. In those cases, Jesus leads us by example to set boundaries and inform that person what would be necessary to reconcile. Forgiveness is wonderful when two broken people reunite in mutual love and trust; but it equally calls us to unload the burden of the injustice by learning to protect ourselves from future harm.
To protect herself from her father’s potential irresponsibility, Ellen said, “Dad, you and I both know that you used me inappropriately when I was a girl. I know how to protect myself now, and I will never again keep your secret. I forgive you for the past, but I will not allow you to act as if it never happened.” Her father spewed denial and bitterness; but Ellen forgave him, following the command, If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men (Rom. 12:18).
For Ellen, now, something was changed. She had unloaded her responsibility for her father’s irresponsibility. This was not forgiveness in reconciliation, but forgiveness just the same. “I always knew that his abuse dominated my life, but putting the issue back with my father allowed me to move on. My family and my life are redeemed because I no longer lug his burden like a sack of potatoes.”
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