Gift-Giving

Gift-giving is a thermometer of the soul. It reveals what we think we possess, and whether we can love. Ironically, the very rich are sometimes less generous because their gifts often come with strings attached as a form of control. The very poor, with apparently little to give away, may give their last loaf of bread, like the widow who gave all she had to the temple (Luke 21:1-4). My wife and I still sleep nightly under one of the most generous gifts of all, a red blanket given to us almost thirty years ago by an ex-prostitute then on welfare.

Gift-receiving is also a thermometer of the soul. It is “more blessed to give than to receive,” as Jesus says (Acts 20:35), but receiving is usually harder. Sometimes the reluctance or refusal to receive a gift indicates the absolute need for independence and the fear of being under obligation to perform some duty in return. In the case of the dependent poor, gift-receiving often means enduring the demeaning experience of being the object of someone else’s patronage. Charity is not always love. The refusal of the receivers to say thank you—so distressing to some givers—may be a symptom of this internal struggle or a silent statement that the relatively rich benefactor really “owes” this support. In other words, it is not a gift but a duty.

Both giving and receiving gifts are not only thermometers of generosity and love; they are also barometers that indicate which way the soul is changing—like the weather. Over a lifetime, our experience of gifts indicates whether our soul is shriveling into hard-heartedness or heading toward the eternally generous environment of heaven. Some people are perpetually “giving” because they are hungry for relationships and addicted to people, but there is less true generosity in this than is immediately apparent. So gift-giving is both a spiritual discipline and an arena requiring spiritual discernment, especially when we consider the great range and meanings of gifts.

A Lifetime of Giving and Receiving

Usually our first gifts are received before we are old enough to say thank you. The first gift is a name, an act that establishes a child’s identity and, in the process, reveals the parents as well (Kass and Kass, pp. 15, 18). Then follows a host of other gifts, such as a baby outfit, then birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, goodwill gifts from relatives, rewards (really “pay”) for performance at school. Infants and children sometimes give gifts during this period, often to the delight of their parents—a smile, a kiss and laughter—but these are given unconsciously. Perhaps this very unconsciousness, so natural to a child, is the very thing most needed to be cultivated in adult life so we can give without our left hand knowing what our right is doing (Matthew 6:3; compare Matthew 25:38).

At an early age many children learn that gifts may be used as a form of manipulation or “guilt money” for a sin committed. This occurs in a most tragic way when there is sexual abuse. In some families children never receive gifts without strings attached; all gifts received are implied obligations or explicit rewards rather than sacraments of love and appreciation. They learn too quickly that Christmas trees are surrounded by exchanges of mutual obligations (carefully balanced to the dollar), that “favors” by a boss or employee are messages to perform, that politicians can be influenced by gifts and that flowers are a way of saying “I’m sorry I hurt you.” The final gift of our parents, expressed in their last will and testament, may turn out to be no gift at all but rather a posthumous form of control. We receive very few gifts in this life. Probably we give few as well.

Gift-giving comes only with a struggle, even to the youngest child who presumably has not yet been enculturated to a me-first culture. It starts in the sandbox, sharing a toy with a neighbor, or in the home when we use our precious savings as a child to buy Mom a birthday present. Giving does not come easily and does not seem to come spontaneously. Jesus was able to descriptively note, “You then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children” (Luke 11:13), but he was commenting on the basic goodwill parents feel toward children, something which Paul referred to much later (2 Cor. 12:14). Part of the Christian education of the family is learning how to give and receive, but this starts with the parents’ ability to model this.

Cultures vary on this matter, and we learn very quickly “what is expected,” such as a small gift when you arrive at the door to have dinner in someone’s home, a large gift in advance of making a business deal with favorable terms to your own company (is this a bribe?), a present to the parents of the woman you intend to marry or a “gift” (sometimes euphemistically called a “user fee”) expected by border guards or officials in government offices in many developing countries. But learning what is expected is not learning how to give.

Gifts and Nongifts

Some “gifts” are simply commercial transactions or fulfilled contracts. These are simply negotiated exchanges of valuable items (money or things) according to a written or unwritten contract. Much that passes for Christmas “giving” is really a series of carefully managed mutual exchanges, often with goodwill and generosity but, nevertheless, under obligation. It is a social shame to receive a gift at Christmas from someone to whom you have not given. Real Christmas gifts, like the gifts presented by the Magi (Matthew 2:11), are not expected and are sacraments of appreciation.

Other gifts are instruments of manipulation. A donor contributes a large sum to a Christian organization knowing that his or her votes on the board will carry more weight than those of lesser givers. Sometimes, when the donor’s will is thwarted, financial support is reduced or withdrawn, a barometer reading of what is happening in their soul-life. Proverbs notes (without commenting on the morality of the matter) that “a gift opens the way for the giver” (Proverbs 18:16). Jacob’s psychologically contrived gift to his estranged brother is a stunning example of this (Genesis 32:13-21). Bribes openly state the intention to influence and control even when they are given secretly. In the parallelism of Proverbs “a gift given in secret” is the same thing as “a bribe concealed in the cloak” that “pacifies great wrath” (Proverbs 21:14). Sometimes the control factor is not so much a direct appeal for power as it is a matter of manipulating opinion—a form of personal advertising. Ananias and Sapphira pretended to have given more than they did to the church, thus lying to God (Acts 5:4). They did this because they wanted status in the Christian community. Both the book of Proverbs (Proverbs 25:14) and Jesus (Matthew 6:2) warn against trumpeting our giving.

In their purest form gifts are sacraments of goodwill. They are relatively free of the desire for personal gain, either in a material sense or in public approval. Such gifts see a need and give from the heart, not expecting anything in return, not even thanks. They say to another, “You are a special person.” They are love incarnate. The three wise men expressed their worship of Christ through their gifts, as did the widow with her two last coins (Luke 21:1-4). The Antiochian Christians, hearing of the famine in Judea, sent gifts to the Christians there by the hands of Barnabas and Saul (Acts 11:29-30). Later Paul expanded on this generous gift by raising funds throughout the Gentile churches in aid of the poor Jewish Christians in Judea as a sacramental expression of love, equality and mutual ministry between Jews and Gentiles in Christ (2 Cor. 8:12, 20; 2 Cor. 9:5). Especially commendable (from God’s perspective) was the generosity of the Gentile Cornelius before becoming a Christian. The angels told him, “Your prayers and gifts to the poor have come up as a memorial offering before God” (Acts 10:4).

The greatest gift of all is the gift of salvation in Jesus Christ (Ephes. 2:8). This gift above all others is undeserved, unexpected and comes with no strings attached. It is an expression of God’s unconditional love for humankind (John 3:16) and can never be repaid. It is precisely because of the poverty of our souls in giving and receiving that we have trouble receiving forgiveness, atonement, access to God, membership in God’s family and eternal life as free gifts. We feel we must earn it either before or after receiving the gift. We misinterpret the gift as an exchange in which God gives salvation because of our good works (Romans 4:4) or as a contract in which we owe God a lifetime of sacrificial service. In fact there is nothing we can do to make God love us or to make God stop loving us. It is precisely the offense this gift causes to human pride that makes so many people unwilling to enter into the joy of salvation.

Spiritual gifts bear the character of the ultimate gift (Ephes. 4:8, 11). They are charisms of God’s love expressed through human beings not because of our worthiness in character or training but as a pure present. As with all gifts, the ultimate gift and the penultimate spiritual gifts can neither be deserved nor revoked (Romans 11:29). They should stimulate the fundamental posture of gratitude rather than pride, love-inspired service rather than dutiful performance, spontaneous giving (Romans 12:8) rather than carefully orchestrated bribes. The reason for such giving and receiving is deeply theological.

The Theology of Giving and Receiving

Everything we have, everything we receive and everything we give ultimately belongs to God. So giving and receiving must be considered as part of stewardship. We are trustees of God’s possessions, never absolute owners (see Ownership). That should make giving easier, more thoughtful and more generous. But there is something even deeper in this ministry of giving and receiving.

God is the ultimate giver and the ultimate receiver. Within God’s triune life Father, Son and Holy Spirit continuously and eternally give and receive from each other. It is the nature of love to do both, and God is love (1 John 4:16). Some of Jesus’ words are sacred inspired windows on the generosity in the heart of God. The Father gives the Son into the world (John 3:16) but not without giving him his power, authority, glory (John 8:54), people (John 6:37) and love (John 17:24). The Son gives praise (Luke 10:21) and glory (John 17:4) to the Father. Jesus is the perfect model of selfless impoverishment to enrich others (2 Cor. 8:9). The Spirit is given into the world (Acts 1:4) but also gives deference, love and glory to the Father and the Son (John 16:13-15). God not only continually gives within the loving communion of the Godhead but also continuously receives. When Paul says, “God loves a cheerful [literally a `hilarious’] giver” (2 Cor. 9:7), one who gives in an uncalculating and spontaneously generous way, he is saying that we are most godlike when our giving is least calculated, reciprocal, contractual or laced with ulterior motive. So both giving and receiving are spiritual disciplines.

The Spirituality of Giving and Receiving

Giving and receiving are both delightful and dangerous. Offering a gift to the Lord’s servant, as Naaman did when he was healed by God through Elisha (2 Kings 5:15), is a holy act communicating gratitude and praise to God. Refusing the gift, as Elisha wisely did (2 Kings 5:16), communicated something essential: this ministry was God’s ministry and could not be hired or remunerated. In contrast, Elisha’s servant, Gehazi, went after the gift and destroyed his own soul (2 Kings 5:19-27). Chasing after gifts is the special temptation of public servants of God who earn their living by ministry (Isaiah 1:23). Paul steadfastly refused to do this (Phil. 4:17), primarily so he could offer ministry as a free gift and not hinder the gospel (1 Cor. 9:12). He quoted the words of Jesus, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35) in the context of giving ministry without obligation (see Financial Support).

Giving to God is also dangerous. Jesus says we should make sure we are right with our brothers and sisters first, leaving our gift-giving incomplete “at the altar” until relationships are straightened out (Matthew 5:23-24). God is not impressed with vertical generosity that is not expressed horizontally. Nor is God impressed with generous giving to the church at the expense of family (Matthew 15:5-6). Paradoxically, giving to our neighbor turns out to be giving to God, as the parable of Jesus indicates (Matthew 25:40). But one form of giving is not approved anywhere in the Bible—displayed giving. Those who give so that all may see already have their desired reward—to be seen by people. Instead, says Jesus, let “your giving . . . be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you” (Matthew 6:3-4). The delight of giving is the pleasure it brings God.

If giving is a spiritual discipline, so is receiving. It invites gratitude to God, receiving what we are given as from God himself. This frees us from an unhealthy sense of obligation to the donor and makes each gift, as it was for Paul, something that gives praise to God (Phil. 4:18). Refusal to receive anything from others is both a negative spiritual symptom (we insist on being autonomous) and a spiritual invitation (to grow in healthy interdependence). Giving and receiving are thermometers and barometers of the soul.

The Practice of Giving and Receiving

Many practical matters emerge from this discussion. First, holy gift-giving and receiving begins, as it did for the apostle Paul, with giving ourselves to God (2 Cor. 8:5) and then to others. Generosity starts with the self-sacrifice that, paradoxically, leads to being rich in the things that matter. This is the source of all other giving and receiving. Second, offering ministry free of charge is especially commendable. Christian service is essentially a volunteer and amateur matter, in the original sense of the word amateur—one who works for love. The temptation of greed is especially serious in matters dealing publicly with God and the gospel. Third, giving to the poor and needy requires special sensitivity on the parts of both giver and receiver. Anonymous giving is one way, but not the only way, of avoiding patronage and dependency. A better way is to allow for mutual giving, as Paul encouraged between the Jewish and Gentile Christians, though with a difference in kind (Romans 15:27). Fourth, we can be creative in gift-giving. Time is one of the most valuable gifts. Handmade gifts, thoughtfully crafted to suit the intended receiver, can communicate the message intended: you are special and I appreciate you. Fifth, we can prayerfully cultivate hilarious giving and spontaneity, even when the cultural context requires giving as a social obligation. Finally, we can turn receiving—usually harder than giving—into prayer for gratitude to God and the joy of giving. In the end our giving and receiving tells as much about our spirituality as our prayer life; indeed they are each a reflection of the other.

» See also: Festivals—Christmas

» See also: Festivals—Thanksgiving

» See also: Financial Support

» See also: Stewardship

References and Resources

C. Brown, “Gift, Pledge, Corban,” in New International Dictionary of New Testament Theology, ed. C. Brown (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1989) 2:39-44; A. A. Kass and L. R. Kass, “What’s Your Name?” First Things, November 1995, 14-25; R. Titmuss, The Gift Relationship (London: Allen and Unwin, 1970).

—R. Paul Stevens