Farewell

Saying goodby is a grace to both the giver and the receiver. It is the mirror image of greeting. It is also a daily experience as we leave home for work or school or bid coworkers farewell at the end of the workday. While we are never guaranteed to see again those we bid farewell, these daily rituals express our desire that they “fare well,” and we confess there is no unfinished business between us. In other words, we are free to leave. On a deeper level we say goodby at significant transition points, when moving from one city to another, when leaving a job or a local church, when graduating from a school or college. Our final act of farewell is usually on our deathbed. Some people have great difficulty saying goodby; some avoid it altogether and leave people “dangling,” wondering what they think of them and what is wrong. Sometimes the omission of farewells at significant transitions (such as leaving a job or church) is an indication of incomplete interior work in both the leaver and those being left (see Membership, Church). This happens most dramatically at the time of a wedding when some are emotionally unable to leave father and mother in order to cleave to their spouse (see Marriage).

Farewells in the Bible

While the Bible does not use the word farewell or goodby frequently, it often describes people saying goodby to their children and grandchildren (sometimes with protracted partying; Judges 19:4-10), parting from a friend (1 Samuel 20:42), letting go of a dying loved one (see Grieving) or of one’s own life (Judges 11:34-40; see Death), concluding public service (1 Samuel 12) and leaving churches they love. Isaac said goodby as his death approached by blessing his sons (Genesis 27:1-40), an act that should have communicated good will to his children but instead turned his sons against each other (Genesis 27:41; see Blessing, Family).

Later, Laban, Jacob’s father-in-law, complained that he was prevented from saying goodby to his children and grandchildren because they were stolen away secretly (Genesis 31:28). The farewell that ensued when Laban caught up with the entourage is more like a warning than a blessing: “May the Lord keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other” (Genesis 31:49) means the Lord must police this relationship because we will not be able to watch over each other! But even though the motives were mixed, this belated farewell brought closure and grace to a relational transition.

Two farewells, obviously crafted in parallel, are especially intriguing. When Elisha is called to follow and succeed Elijah as prophet, Elisha requests time “to kiss my father and mother good-by” (1 Kings 19:20), a permission that is granted. But when a would-be disciple of Jesus asks, “First let me go back and say good-by to my family” (Luke 9:61), Jesus expressly forbids it. In the first case the farewell was a healthy parting and included Elisha’s sacrificing his farm equipment to “cut his ties” with his former occupation. In the second Jesus was dealing with self-styled volunteers who wanted simply to add discipleship to an already full life instead of being single-minded in the pursuit of God.

Paul, as an ecumenical traveler, was always careful to say goodby (Acts 21:6; 2 Cor. 2:13). Jesus used the Last Supper as a farewell meal and an opportunity to deal with unfinished business. The Fourth Gospel expands the spiritual meaning of this farewell in John 14-17. Most remarkable of all, Jesus served Communion to Judas at his farewell dinner.

Types of Farewells

This biblical study of farewells turns up a great variety of cultural expressions. Farewells today are also accompanied by handshakes, hugs, kisses, parties, long formal speeches, dramatic acts, deep bows, tips of the hat, passing the peace pipe, promises of prayer and letter writing (or E-mail messages), exchanges of business cards (often with great ceremony in Asia), an expensive meal in a restaurant (see Eating) or an exchange of gifts. Especially in developing countries the failure to say goodby is a grievous wound, a statement that there is something obligatory and unfinished between the parties.

An illuminating example of saying goodby is Paul’s final speech to the Ephesian elders (Acts 20:17-38). It includes many dimensions of a mature farewell. He rehearses his relationship to his friends (Acts 20:18-21), explains why he is leaving and will never see them again (Acts 20:22-25), declares that he has discharged his responsibilities fully (Acts 20:26-27) and exhorts them to remain faithful to Jesus (Acts 20:28-32). Finally Paul asserts that there is, to his knowledge, no indebtedness outstanding between them (Acts 20:33-37). Here is the grace of saying farewell at its best: each is empowered to carry on with life with no lingering obligations except to pray and love one another. A little farther along the way Paul had another farewell, this time with adults and children all saying goodby to Paul on the beach, with prayer and a walk together to the boat (Acts 21:5-6).

Once when I was completing a three-day seminar among rural church leaders in a village near the Uganda border, the senior elder stood up at the farewell dinner and, looking straight at me, said, “I forgive you of all the sins you have committed against us while you have been with us.” Then he added, “And we trust you will, in the same way, forgive us.” Once I got over the shock of wondering what terrible things I had done, I realized this was a gracious ministry: I was forgiven and free to leave; they were forgiven and free to let me go. Farewells should mostly be occasions for grace, not judgment, though we do have Jesus telling the itinerant disciples to “shake the dust off your feet” of the homes of those who refuse to take them or the gospel in (Matthew 10:14)!

The Grace of Saying Goodby

Tragically, some people use a farewell as a time to get even, to express judgment, to deliver a curse, to lay burdens on people or to put others in a bind. When the leaver does not remain to deal with these or those being left refuse to do the relational work of letting go, there is a relational pollution that can affect generations in a family or church. A pastor, for example, who leaves a church “in a huff” often leaves decades of disease in the church. To avoid dealing with reality, many people simply refrain from saying goodby and sneak away, as Jacob did from Laban. This too leaves hurt in the wake and reveals the state of the leaver’s soul.

Sometimes this grace is not expressed because of personal disorder. We can be addicted to a relationship, a job, a church relationship, a ministry assignment, a college community. Codependence rather than interdependence is one reason for this inability to say goodby. Even in a marriage couples may not give each other freedom to have appropriate friends other than one’s spouse or freedom to travel because they are merged, not married.

When a marriage breaks down and divorce ensues, there is need for a deep goodby, something that rarely happens; instead most divorcing couples go through a lingering dying-but-never-dead-experience. The strangest marital goodby I have witnessed took place when a couple who had been separated for years had undertaken extensive marriage counseling but were never reconciled. The couple asked my wife and me to celebrate Communion with them as their final goodby. It was a powerful statement that there was mutual forgiveness and they were still brother and sister in Christ even though they would not be husband and wife. Even under such desperate circumstances, saying farewell can be a means of grace.

Saying goodby calls us to trust God for those we love (or hate) since we cannot control the situation or the people ourselves. Bidding farewell is a profound reminder that we do not ultimately own anything in this life. It is a form of grieving. As illustrated above, saying goodby invites us to make sure that we have forgiven and are forgiving, two totally interdependent spiritual movements (Matthew 6:12). At the same time it reveals the state of our own soul and invites a deeper journey inward (see Spiritual Disciplines). And if we have failed to say goodby or parted from a loved one with unfinished business and death now prevents our “making things right,” we can rest in the grace of Christ to forgive us, to forgive ourselves and to heal even beyond the grave.

» See also: Membership, Church

» See also: Fellowship

» See also: Forgiveness

» See also: Greeting

» See also: Letter Writing

» See also: Mobility

—R. Paul Stevens