Shame (Written 2011)

The root meaning of the English word "shame" is to cover up and to envelop. The French use two separate words, namely, pudeur and honte. Pudeur means shame in one's own eyes. It is "the various internal emotions of the moral feelings" (Schneider, p. 2). Honte refers to a loss of honor in the eyes of others--disgrace felt after an action or after one's disgraceful intention is disclosed to others. It is close to a sense of embarrassment or humiliation. So shame is a condemnation of self based on a negative judgment of one's self by the individual, others and/or God. It is a wound (Lynd) and a threat to one's identity as a person of worth to oneself, others, and God. In contrast with guilt which is related to an act, shame is the condemnation of one's whole personhood. For a comprehensive understanding of shame, both internal and external aspects of shame need to be explored. In the same way, the healing of shamefulness must be considered both internally and externally.

Shame serves different functions in various cultures. In Eastern cultures, it provides a basis for moral actions as it has significant positive power in one's motivation for and commitment to morality. In Western cultures, however, the predominantly individualist tendency seems to weaken this positive function of shame.

Shame affects one's whole person. Psychologically, experiences of shame change one's self concept (see Self-Esteem) as well as one's mood. Spiritually, shame can either alienate one from God or take one closer to God. Shame also has physical effects. It often causes blushing and psychosomatic symptoms. Shame naturally affects interpersonal relationships leading to conflicts. Even one's vocational life is influenced. A shame-bound person cannot be productive in his or her work because of feeling inhibited and because of the drain on psychological and even physical energy.

The intensity of shame one feels depends on the degree of one's interpersonal sensitivity, desire to connect with others, moral conscience, humility, sense of dignity, integrity, discernment of the situation, self-insight, and willingness to confront one's inner self. Just as water can be turned into electricity or become a flood, shame has both a positive and a negative side for an individual and the community.

Negative Aspects of Shame

Shame has a constraining and paralyzing power. The self-conscious and ruminative nature of shame freezes one "in the inertness of immobility" (Schneider, p. 30). Each encounter of shame affects one's self-image, making one feel inadequate, diminished, helpless, and unqualified for life. Further, it induces one to waste energy and resources by denying and concealing one's shame. Preoccupied with covering up one's true self, a person can neglect dealing with one's guilt. Because shamed people are afraid to disclose their real selves they create superficial relationships within a community.

So shame robs one of the capacity to develop a proper self-understanding and authentic interpersonal relationships.

Unhealed shame can make a lasting negative impact on oneself and can also be passed down through generations (Fossum & Mason), a matter of significance for families. But shame also has some redeeming qualities.

Positive Aspects of Shame

Shame sharpens one's value system and moral consciousness, whereas shamelessness leads to moral corruption. Feeling shame means that one has a certain standard for one's own behavior as well as for how one should be perceived and treated by others. Behind such a standard lies a yearning for truth and honor.

Shame can contribute to gaining a new self understanding and self-identity. After going through a painful self-confrontation, some people develop new perspectives and consequently a new self-identity. Shame helps in character* formation. Through shame one realizes that one is not as good or competent as previously thought before the moment of shame.

The restraining power of shame prevents one from contemplating unethical and selfish decisions which would endanger community building. Shame also contributes to community building by motivating one to seek forgiveness* and establish reconciliation. It has a strong bonding power to unite people who share the same type of shame, for example, in the case of discrimination shame. On this point it is valuable to indicate that shame does not come in one flavor.

Types of Shame

There are three categories of shame: self-related shame, association-related shame, and environment-related shame.

Self-related shame arises from one's behavior, characteristics, background, or situation. Examples include: guilt shame; incompetence or inadequacy shame; inferiority shame; blunder shame; problem shame (e.g., mental illness, divorce*); help-seeking shame; character shame (that is, shame caused by character slandering); birth* shame (e.g., an illegitimate child); body shame (caused by physical appearance or defect); sexual shame (e.g., homosexuality,* rape, sexual infidelity); poverty shame; education shame; religion shame; ideology shame; truth or justice seeking shame; vocation shame; ethnicity shame; nationality shame.

Association-related shame involves one's connections with other individuals or groups, such as family* shame; friendship* shame (caused by wrongdoings of friends); ancestor shame; conflict shame (caused by interpersonal conflicts); abuse* shame (victimization shame); affiliation shame (caused by affiliation with certain groups); exclusion shame (felt when one is excluded from a group); discrimination shame (caused by being discriminated against).

Environmental shame originates from one's geographical belonging. Examples are culture shame (related to unfamiliarity with one's new culture, e.g., immigrant shame); home-town shame; social norm shame (e.g., ignorance of a society's customs).

A Theological Perspective

It is noteworthy that in the creation account in Genesis the pre-fall and post-fall state of human beings are contrasted in terms of shame. In their pre-fall state, "the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed" (Gen 2:25). Here one finds the first emotional term and the first relationship term in the Bible. Genesis 2:25 shows that God intended human beings to be unashamed. But with the fall (Gen 3:7-13) Adam and Eve felt shame over their "nakedness" before God and each other. As a consequence, they developed a shame-based identity. Their awareness (Gen 3:7), co-work (3:7), posture toward God (3:8), language, and emotion (3:10) were all organized by and centered around their shame. The loincloths Adam and Eve made symbolized the toiling of human beings to cover up their shame completely, an impossible goal. Neither their loincloths nor "the trees of the garden" could hide them from the all-seeing God or from each other.

Not only does Genesis illuminate a shame-based identity but it also demonstrates the role of shame in the experience of community. Genesis 2:25 and 3:7 show us what God intended when God created the first marital unit, the first human community, and the first church. The theme of shame, not the theme of love or happiness, is introduced at this point, showing that freedom from shame is fundamental in forming the marriage,* church, and human community that God originally intended for human beings. Nevertheless, the first human community was established on the foundation of shame. The first issue Adam and Eve have to deal with as a couple is shame. Shame-driven they start their marriage by engaging in the shame-covering business of making the loincloths. This becomes the first human joint endeavor. But the experience of shame also has a redemptive dimension.

After the fall, God related to Adam through his shame, namely, by asking Adam about his nakedness and by providing him with skin garments. Adam also related to God through his confession of his nakedness. So shame became a meeting ground between man and God, the beginning of God's redemptive work enabling them--and us--to start a new life.

Grace-Based Identity

In the light of the gospel human beings have only two choices, namely, to live under the dominion of sin or to live under the dominion of grace (Rom 6:15-18; Col 1:13). The former way of life often leads to a shame-based identity, while the latter leads to a grace-based identity. Grace redefines self not around who one is but around one's relationship with God.

To base one's identity on self-perception or how others view oneself cannot solve the problem of shame. The potency of shame comes from a sense of worthlessness and one can never feel free from a sense of want, inadequacy, and worthlessness. As mentioned above, guilt is related to an act, while shame is the condemnation of one's whole personhood. Whereas guilt can be expiated, shame has a dimension which cannot be fundamentally dealt with except through "transformation of self" (Lynd, p. 50). But human beings are limited in how much they can transform themselves.

Only the gospel of grace that transforms a person through the experience of the infinite self-giving love of God can give assurance of one's true worth and ultimately resolve our problem of shame. For example, having recounted his shameful act of persecuting the church of Christ and his experience of God's grace of forgiveness and calling, Paul says, "by the grace of God I am what I am" (1 Cor 15:10). He is referring to the new identity he has received through God's grace.

The Bible uses the metaphor of clothing for this change of identity: taking off our old sinful self and putting on the new identity granted by God's grace. In the creation story, Adam and Eve tried to clothe themselves to resolve their shame. But their loincloths made of tree leaves were not adequate. So God provided them with garments of skin gained at the cost of life. This is the prototypical picture of the mighty and loving God leading them from their shame-based identity to a grace-based identity. Only by God's grace can we acquire a new identity which is Christ-like or God-like (cf. Rom 8:29; 2 Cor 3:18; Eph 4:24; Col 3:10). This grace-based identity enables us to maintain an appropriate sense of shame that functions constructively, while freeing us from both excessive shame and shamelessness which function destructively.

Grace not only heals our personal identity it also creates a grace-based community especially since shame often comes from our communal experience.

Grace-Based Community

Where people have experienced forgiveness* and reconciliation members of a church or family recognize one another as those forgiven and recreated by God. This leads them to accept one another as forgiven sinners and people on the way to the consummation of salvation. They can tolerate one another's shortcomings without shaming each other excessively. In fact, they are exhorted to value one another as brothers and sisters "for whom Christ died" (1 Cor 8:11), i.e., as the objects of God's infinite love. They are to accept and even protect especially the weak members of their community from suffering shame (1 Cor 8:7-13; 11:17-34; 12:22-26).

A grace-based community functions in two ways. On the one hand, it provides healing for those suffering from a variety of shame feelings that originate from the worldly perception of their weaknesses. On the other hand, it constantly warns "strong" members not to boast of their strength, which would inevitably "shame" the weak members. Rather they are to boast only of the Lord (1 Cor 1:29-31; Jas 1:9-10; 2:1-7). Thus healthy interpersonal relationships are developed while an appropriate sense of shame is maintained. Integrating the positive sides of shame while avoiding the negative aspects is a great challenge both in the church and in parenting.

Implications for Parenting

Starting from the first family on earth, issues relating to shame have been passed on throughout generations. The shame of Adam and Eve's family is revisited by Cain in his shameless challenge to God, "Am I my brother's keeper?" These problems are deeply embedded in families for important reasons.

God has created human beings with various emotional needs such as acceptance, affection, appreciation, approval, attention, comfort, encouragement, respect, security and support. He wants us to love* our children by meeting these needs in them (Ferguson, 1998). When these needs are not met during the critical developmental years, children develop a shame-based identity, a view of self that is laden with negative self-evaluation and shameful feelings (West). There are several possible factors that contribute to the formation of a shame-based identity in children.

First, the parents themselves may have a shame-based identity, due to their own neediness and sense of worthlessness. Thus they can neither become role models for their children, nor have the strength to validate their children consistently. Second, spouses with a shame-based identity often have marital conflicts because of their unrealistic expectations that their spouses will meet their enormous emotional needs. When they become aware that their spouses cannot meet their expectations, they turn to their children and form an enmeshed relationship with them. Since the children know their survival depends on their parents' well-being, the children try to satisfy their parents' needs. In the process the children develop a deep sense of shame for two reasons: they realize that no matter how hard they work, they cannot succeed, and since much of their energy is spent for meeting their parents' needs, not much is left for their own development. Their sense of failure and deprivation leads them to a shame-based identity.

Third, unhealthy communication* patterns can create shame. In healthy families, children learn that they can ask questions and get straight answers. In dysfunctional families, they experience double messages and are punished or ridiculed when they try to clarify their confusion through straightforward communication. Moreover, they are often mystified by their parents' continuous invalidation of their reality perception. As a result, they conclude that there must be something wrong with them and feel ashamed of themselves. They sometimes disguise their deep sense of self-invalidation with shameless behaviors.

Fourth, family rules can play a part. Each family has its own rules concerning their children's behavior. When a family has too strict and too many rules, especially when they fail to meet the children's emotional needs, the latter are likely to develop a shame-based identity (see Discipline). These children feel that since they can never be successful in keeping all of the family rules, they must be bad or inadequate. Some children react to such a low self-esteem by going to the other extreme, namely, by becoming shameless adults.

Fifth, there is the matter of roles. In dysfunctional families, children are expected to play certain roles such as a caretaker of siblings or parents, a fulfiller of parental dreams, or a family entertainer. Children develop a shame-based identity in the course of playing these roles because they feel accepted and approved only when they play their roles well and feel ashamed of themselves when they fail. Even when children successfully play their roles, some of them still feel invalidated and unaccepted because it is not who they are but the roles they play that is affirmed by their parents. This is why some high-achievement people still suffer from a shame-based identity.

Sixth, disapproval of children's developmental stage is a factor. Because they want their emotional needs met through their children, some parents desire to keep their children younger or older than their actual age. These parents disapprove of their children going through the God-intended human developmental process (see Life Stages). Children raised by such parents receive a non-verbal message from them, "I am not pleased with who you are now. I want you to be a younger or older person than who you are now." When children hear this type of message consistently from their parents, they develop a shame-based identity.

Finally, shame and aloneness often coexist. God created human beings with relational needs and these needs cannot be met in aloneness (Ferguson). Therefore a person who is alone is perceived by God--so it is thought, by others, and even by oneself as an inadequate being. For children, being alone often means abandonment and not deserving genuine care. Therefore, repeated childhood experiences of being alone, especially when one needs guidance, comfort or companionship, lead to the development of a shame-based identity.

The Church's role

Many Christian families yearn to see their children equipped with a strong Christian identity and are desperately searching for specific guidelines for building healthy families. The high divorce rate of Christians in this society indicates that churches have failed to teach and demonstrate to people how to keep the great commandment of love among family members. By exploiting family time and resources, churches often hinder families from developing intimacy among their members.

Often the members of a Christian fellowship tend to provoke and reinforce shame, instead of positively dealing with it. Insensitive comments, gossiping, unwise advice, insensitive public prayer requests, boasting of one's status or achievements, etc. make others feel ashamed. The same thing happens in families. In order to make the church and the home a healing community rather than a harming community, it is essential that the gospel of God's grace in Christ in its wholeness be shared, taught and lived. In this way a grace-based identity and a grace-based community can be formed.

It is time for churches to reach out to families and form a synergistic relationship with them. For this purpose, churches need to support families actively by initiating family ministry that includes programs for premarital preparation, marriage enrichment, caring for distressed couples, parental empowerment, three-generation bonding, divorce care, and single life. It can be implemented through seminars, small group Bible studies, Sunday school classes, preaching and worship services, and family retreats. For a successful family ministry, a paradigm shift in church leadership is imperative.

» See also: Family

» See also: Forgiveness

» See also: Life Stages

» See also: Love

» See also: Self-Esteem

References

D. Augsburger, Pastoral Counseling Across Cultures (Philadelphia: Westminster, 1986); D. Ferguson, The Great Commandment Principle (Tyndale House Publishers: Wheaton, 1998); M.A. Fossum, and M.J. Mason, Facing Shame: Families in Recovery (New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 1986); H.M. Lund, On Shame and the Search for Identity (New York: Harcourt, Brace and Company, 1958); C.D. Schneider, Shame, Exposure and Privacy (New York: W. W. Norton and Company, 1992); M. West, Shame Based Family Systems: The Assault on Self Esteem (Minneapolis: CompCare Publishers, 1992).

—Yea Sun E. Kim